Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
