made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
