It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
