i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
