all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
