You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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