Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
