My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
It was confusing and full of hummus
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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