I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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