she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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