At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
