nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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