Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
