Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
