what if every blade of grass was a penis?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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