I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
