I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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