my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
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Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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