I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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