Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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