I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
