Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Hippo gnu deer
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
