her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
