2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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