she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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