life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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