I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
