Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
bring money and cleavage
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
