The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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