I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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