sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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