hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
