I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
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