omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You ruined the universe
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