everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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