All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
