What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
