I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
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She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
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No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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