She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
