So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
