Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
