I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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