OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
