I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
