man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
