kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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