So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
