and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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