wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
