so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
