Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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