totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
