he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
