I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
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I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
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My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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