I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
