I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
