just tell him i said nine months
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
