I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
