Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
