Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
