I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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